My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
You Might Also Like
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I feel this so hard
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.