We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
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Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.