When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
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FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
It do be feeling this way.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.