aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
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little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.