I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.