I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
You Might Also Like
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.