Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
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I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
ibopfufen
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.