I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
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When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
The options really are this bad
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.