Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
IT’S-A ME,
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*