Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
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After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.