I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
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I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Husband of the year 😂
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it