*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot