2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
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This hospital has everything
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Happy Thanksgiving
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
This is I, Robot all over again
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.