Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
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U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
All food is good if you spell it wrong
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
men are simple creatures
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk