I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
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I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
We’ve come full circle
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
dutch so unserious
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce