Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
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*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.