I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I’m too immature for adultery.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.