it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
what does he know…
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.