Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
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Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?