*jingles half the way*
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”