My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
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Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]