My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I love the National Park Service.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free