“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
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Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look