God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas