‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Woke up against my better judgement again
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.