me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
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Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Beast: Iβll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: Iβll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I identify with this toooooo much. πππππ
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) Iβd never forget you. No I wouldnβt.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your momβs house?
Me: …Kids?
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
i have lived through 30 winters and iβm somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course Iβm excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming