Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun