Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
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[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*