Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
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scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step