Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
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My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*