Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
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[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars