My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I need a headline like this
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow