If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
2022 will be better than 2021
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you