Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
You Might Also Like
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
This meal prepping shit easy
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
6: are snakes just neck?
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.