Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Merry Christmas
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.