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Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.