People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
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I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Body by Oreos
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.