People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
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Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
The point of your 20s
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair