Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
You Might Also Like
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.