my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 馃檪
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i鈥檒l leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
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ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just鈥攓uick poll鈥攚ho else does NOT want to go?
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I will have a pi帽ata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 馃幎 I’m too sexy for my shirt 馃幎 Too sexy for my shirt 馃幎
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn鈥檛 stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it鈥檚 so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you鈥檙e regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Can鈥檛, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt