I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
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I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Bootstraps
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves