Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
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Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
That took me a moment.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet