My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
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I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?