A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
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5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Teach your children to beatbox
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
new record!
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t