Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
You Might Also Like
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?