If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.