*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
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Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
🙂🐾
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.