This is Sparta
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Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!