I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
How to find Kentucky on a map
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other