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My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
this post was so formative to me
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”